Deborah Lambert

NEW PATRIOTISM vs. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

If you feel out of touch with the wartime food vocabulary when dining out these days, here's a hint: Freedom is in - French is out. But we're talking about more than fries here.

The Miami New Times did a tongue-in-cheek piece on the temporary PC-foodspeak and issued a guide of sorts to many comestibles with connections to France, Germany, Russia, Korea and China.

For example, DON'T SAY: French dip, French bread, French onion soup, French dressing, hamburger or frankfurter.

DO SAY: Freebie dip, Free to Be You and Me bread, Free will topped with American cheese, Free Willie oil-and-vinegar, HamB52 and MOAB(Meat on a Bun).

DON'T SAY: Kim chee, Korean barbecue, Wiener schnitzel, Vodka martini, caviar, Black Russian or White Russian.

DO SAY: Hum Vee, Rotisserie of evil, Saddam Hussein with a side of sons, Non-compliance cocktail, Liberated eggs from pro-choice sturgeon, Black Hawk and Black Hawk with a parachute.

IN GOD WE TRUST?

Brooklyn College sociology professor Timothy Shortell let slip his views on spiritual subjects, saying in an online magazine piece for Fifteen Credibility Street that religious people are "moral retards."

Prof. Shortell said that while personal religious beliefs are merely "matters of bad taste," they can have widespread public influence because "it is impossible to have religion without fanaticism."

Added the prof: "Weakness is demanded of us by religion and consumer capitalism."

THINK BETTER - CHEW GUM

Teachers at the Campus School in Memphis, TN recently did an experiment to find out if students who chew gum score higher on tests than non-gum chewers.

"From the beginning of our lives, we have soothed ourselves with a pacifier, a bottle or a thumb," said Susan Copeland, director of the facility run by the U. of Memphis. "If chewing gum helps our kids with stress reduction and motivates them to come to school, we think it ups their stake in their performance."

After the experiment, several student "researchers" admitted that gum helped them concentrate.

"When I came to a question I didn't know," said a fifth grade girl, "I just chewed on my gum and it made me feel better." One of the male students disagreed, saying that chewing gum didn't change anything except give him more jaw pain. "Plus the gum was nasty."

BLACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

The debate still rages about whether "at-risk" students can learn, but at Piney Woods Academy, a black boarding school outside of Jackson, MS, there's no argument.

Before the civil rights movement broke down racial barriers, black boarding schools, located primarily in the South, provided a haven for children to escape the inadequately functioning segregated public school system, according to St. Petersburg Times columnist Bill Maxwell, who said that most of them were shut down when public school access was made available. Today, Piney Woods is one of a handful that survive.

Its president, Charles H. Beady, Jr., says the school is proof positive that "because youngsters are black, poor and from a single-parent home does not mean they are automatically destined for academic failure." The school owes its success to strict adult discipline, tough academic standards, school uniforms, mandatory class attendance and two hours of homework every night. Students and faculty attend prayer services at 5:30 every morning and three times on Sunday. They say ma'am and sir to adults; those caught using alcohol or drugs, skipping class or talking back to a teacher may be automatically expelled.

Beady also noted that there is zero tolerance for boys with "earrings and those crazy haircuts"… and girls are not allowed to dress provocatively.

The results? In 2001, "Ninety-five percent of the school's graduates enrolled in college and the other 5 percent joined the armed forces."

VICTIMOLOGY, 101

After University of Manitoba professor Rod Yellon's appeal of his 1998 traffic ticket for running a stop sign (reported in News of the Weird last year) was rejected in February, it appears he will have to pay the $35.00 fine. Yellon's strategy alternated between complaining of being oppressed and boycotting court proceedings. Finally, he was convicted in absentia. Still he refuses to pay the ticket because he thinks the word "stop" on a stop sign is too vague and that the government should set precisely calibrated standards of what it means to "stop." [Winnipeg Free Press, 2-26-03]

HOT LINE

Kentucky Mountain Bible College is finally on its way to exorcizing the mark of the beast from its campus, according to the Chronicle of Higher Education.

For nearly 50 years, the school's phone number has had the prefix 666, described in the Book of Revelations as "the number of the beast" and linked by some Christians with Satan and a possible Armageddon.

"KMBC would like to change its number…to avoid any confusion or the appearance of evil," said Tom Lorimer, the school's executive vice president, adding that he was not "suggesting that the phone company is somehow connected with the mark of the beast or the Antichrist."

As luck would have it, the opportunity for change has come, since all the available numbers for prefix 666 were used up and new numbers are up for grabs. Local telephone company spokesmen said while they are working to provide the school with a new number, no one has complained about the present prefix, and that so far, "college officials have been unable" to find an available number that is memorable enough.

A LICENSE TO PARENT?

David T. Lykken, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, launched a controversial proposal during a speech to the American Psychological Association, suggesting that prospective parents should be licensed before they conceive a child.

Under this system, people would have to prove they are legally married and gainfully employed while others, i.e. gay couples, would have to prove their fitness before a family court, according to the Chronicle of Higher Education. Babies born to unlicensed parents "would be immediately taken into custody by the state, which would place them in orphanages or permanent adoptive homes."

During a recent interview, Dr. Lykken said that this idea surfaced in response to his research on patterns of violent crime which showed that more attention should be paid to the rights of prospective children rather than focusing solely on parents' rights.

Asked if his belief that young children need a male role model was a "sexist artifact," Dr. Lykken replied that growing up with a family authority figure translates into an understanding of society's laws. His conclusion? "In the area of socialization, fathers are important."

BAND OF BROTHERS

Mario Campa, 21, co-founder of the new fraternity Gamma Lambda Mu at Florida International University(FIU),is facing a difficult task - namely to demonstrate that members of the newly formed gay fraternity can get together "in the spirit of service and camaraderie and not for sex."

A recent Time magazine piece noted that the bylaws prohibit the brothers from dating one another, but that doesn't solve the image problem. Also, the formation of a gay frat at FIU is more difficult anyway, since the student body's primarily Hispanic culture is not as forgiving of coming-out rituals.

Even so, Campa doesn't shrink from his goal. "People think [a gay fraternity] is an orgy, and it's not," he said.

NEW MEDICAL JOURNAL VOWS TO END P.C.

The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons(AAPS) announced that it has completely revamped its peer-reviewed journal in favor of "less political commentary and more emphasis on scholarly scientific review and original research."

Public affairs counsel Kathryn Serkes explained that in order to counter concerns that their previous work had tilted too far in the directions of political commentary, the new journal would challenge political correctness, dogmatism and orthodoxy with logical reasoning, valid data and the scientific method.

"We view the organization as the nation's journal of scientific inquiry," said Serkes, adding that since so many journals use distorted methodology and studies as political propaganda, we hope to refute them."