The latest from Seth Meyers and James Corden:
Late Night With Seth Meyers
- A 94-year-old man is graduating from West Virginia University after studying at the school on and off for 75 years — though I’m guessing mostly off.
- He’s graduating from college at the age of 94. Just imagine how awkward it’s going to be for the commencement speaker when he says, “You have your whole life ahead of you. Except that dude.”
- UC Berkeley students have developed a drone that follows you around, taking selfies of you. Which is a shame because those are exactly the kind of people we should be using the other drones on.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
- The 2015 college graduates are now hearing advice from commencement speakers about the real world. But there’s a group left out in the cold, the ones who fell short of graduation — fifth-year seniors. Congratulations non-graduating senior class — the few in every school brave enough to say, “You know what? I loved my senior year so much, I think I’ll do it all over again.”
- There are many successful people who didn’t graduate. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Elton John. You won’t be as successful as them because you’re watching TV at 1:00 in the morning. But still there’s hope, I guess.
- You’re very smart. You know who isn’t smart? The graduating seniors who have to find a job. Little known secret: There aren’t any jobs. When your friends were concentrating on their engineering degree, you were engineering a way to put vodka in a watermelon. We congratulate you for that.
- You’re right to want to stay in that warm, safe environment where the people are young and hopeful and fresh and alive. I’d be there right now if campus security didn’t have my picture on file.
- Never again will you live in a world where not only is the beer free but people will offer to pour it into your own mouth for you. Think of yourself as a super senior. The seniorest of all the seniors. You are the class of 2016. Or 2017. Or let’s be honest, probably 2018.
These jokes were circulated via NewsMax.com e-mail newsletter.
